Talking About Mental Health With Your Children
This post is sponsored by the Ohio Opioid Education Alliance and the Beat the Stigma campaign to help bring awareness to Mental Health Awareness Month. Throughout the month of May, I will be highlighting my personal mental health journey, along with sharing helpful tips and resources.
This week, I interviewed my Mom, Angi Lee, about her journey with managing and discussing mental health and illness. My Mom is a mother of three kids, who all have different mental health challenges.
Because of this, I thought it would be helpful to share her experience, as a parent as well as someone who can offer guidance on how to start the conversation.
I hope this is helpful to you or anyone you know who needs help. Let’s get started.
Columbus Living Blog [CLB]: First question, did your parents (my grandparents) ever talk to you or your siblings about mental health or illness?
Angi Lee [My Mom] No.
CLB: Why not?
My Mom: Growing up, my family didn’t talk about mental illness. I think it’s because what we know now [about the brain] versus what what we knew back then has drastically changed. In the 1970s, deinstitutionalization was happening at mental health facilities across the country, which in turn, let several untreated individuals become homeless, involved in the criminal justice system, and so forth.
CLB: Your parents never talked to you about mental illness growing up, but what age did you start talking to your kids about mental health?
My Mom: Looking back on each of your childhoods, not early enough. This is something I regret. I now realize there were a number of reasons why I didn’t. First, the stigma surrounding mental illness, and not wanting my you all to be isolated by other kids. Second, I was afraid you and your siblings would be bullied, and other parents wouldn’t want you all [my kids] playing with their kids, because their children “may catch whatever mine had.” Last, I didn’t know anyone in my family who had any mental illnesses, and I assumed (and I assumed wrong) that none of you would ever be diagnosed with one.
CLB: What’s something you learned from having kids with mental illnesses?
My Mom: Every single one of you is different. The level of trauma is different, chemical responses to medication is different, and each of your openness to treatment is and was different. I will never forget a conversation I had with my your brother, who was suffering from depression, because of grades and a breakup, and he said, “I am not Morgan, I am never going to be her, I am different, stop trying to compare me to her. It is not who I am.” That moment was extremely painful for me to hear, but very eye opening at the same time. As a parent, you must learn to navigate each child’s responses, understand how they are affected by the age of onset, and must learn how to hear their needs.
CLB: As a parent, what’s the best thing to do if you have kids who need mental health support?
My Mom:
Don’t be scared to have the conversation. You will be surprised that most children have had some level of introductory discussion both formally and informally at school or amongst their peers.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help, from friends, family, school personnel, your employer, and specifically from other parents. There are so many organizations, including children’s hospitals that have support groups for parents.
Know it will not be easy. You may feel uncomfortable about having the conversation, and will make mistakes, and that’s ok.
Be prepared to be on an emotional roller coaster. As a parent, you want to have all the answers and you want to make it better, but ignoring the situation doesn’t make it go away.
Learn everything you can about your child’s diagnosis. Find out what the best treatment options are and find the right pediatric care. Adult mental health is very different from pediatric. Children’s brains are not fully developed until 25, so be sure to do your own research. Reach out to your local mental health boards for payee options too.
Find your voice because you need to be your child’s biggest advocate and understand this is not an overnight fix. It could take months or even years for it to get better. But always remember, you’re not alone, and the road to recovery is a marathon not a race.
Don’t be afraid to talk to your child about suicide. Have emergency numbers and hotlines readily available (the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 800-273-8255). I understand this is a difficult topic, and there will be days where you will want to break down and cry, but consider broaching the subject. At first, I did not do well in this area. In my mind, I had to be strong for my children, shoving down all my emotions. But, that’s not healthy. I would go nights and days with very little sleep, getting up almost every hour to check on my youngest in her room to make sure she was still alive. I still check on her every night before I go to bed. I am not afraid anymore to talk to my children about mental illnesses. This is much easier and better than pretending it does not exist in my family.
Don’t be afraid to talk about your child’s mental health. I remember speaking to my daughter’s counselor during one of her appointments, and she asked me, “What’s your worst fear?” For the first time, I said out loud, that I was scared of losing my daughter to suicide. Saying it out loud, brought a wave of uncontrollable emotions. I broke down and had one of the best cries I had in a long time. But another thing happened during that moment—I faced my fear, survived it, and then gained a power I didn’t have before, so I could help my daughter defeat her demons.
CLB: Is mental illness widely talked about with your friends or peers, or is there still a lingering stigma?
My Mom: I had a high school teacher who use to say, “Tell me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are.” This has stayed with me throughout my life. The same is true for my peers. My peers and I have open conversations about all aspects of behavioral health. Most of us have children with at least one diagnosis of mental illness, developmental disability, addiction, and/or emotional/physical impairments. Once I started to speak about it, it was amazing how many of my friends started to, too.
It only takes one person to start a conversation. When I started to talk to my friends about my youngest daughter’s journey, I had three friends share their family’s experiences, which gave me hope. All their children were grown, leading lives, graduating college, and getting married. They became my beacon of hope. We sometimes forget that by talking about the journey that we can change the lives of others. Instead of focusing on all the tragedy I heard about, I focused on the positive and the future.
CLB: How did your career lead you to leading an organization supporting those with mental health?
My Mom: I had taken a year off to stay at home with my youngest daughter. After her second hospitalization for suicidal ideations, she went straight into intensive outpatient care. We were at Nationwide Children’s Hospital every day for a minimum of five appointments a week, and making sure we adhered to her safety plan, so her father and I decided that I would leave my job (we were blessed we could do this financially, not everyone has the option) and stay home to care for her.
After about nine months, she was stable and I began applying for jobs, specifically ones that were within organizations that focused on mental illness and/or suicide prevention. I was hired to be the Executive Director of a non-profit behavioral health recovery center.
CLB: What’s something you would tell someone that’s scared to seek help?
My Mom: The first step is the scariest because of the fear, stigma, and not knowing the right questions to ask, but take it. Take that leap of faith, so those around you can help, teach, and support you. Reaching out for help is what your loved ones would want you to do, so you can get better, rather than having you hurt in isolation.
For more information or help with mental health, check out these resources: www.beatthestigma.org, www.findtreatment.gov, The Ohio CareLine at 1-800-720-9616, text the mental health crisis line at 741741, or call the National Suicide Prevention Line at 800-273-8255.